Member-only story
The One with Being in the Now
Vignette about motherhood, feminism, meditation
I practice yoga with a video app. I pause to swipe away notifications. The family chat group is active. My sisters send condolences messages. My mom’s dog passed away yesterday. I pause my yoga video and therefore my yoga practice to pass a ball back to my very alive dog Sissi. My dog wants to play. I want to do yoga. I press play again. I breathe in until I start breathing out. I breathe slower than the teacher counts the breath in the video. That makes me annoyed. The doorbell rings. I pause the video to open the door. My son comes home. He is hungry. I debate with myself. Do I want a moaning boy while I practice yoga? Or do I want to practice in peace later and feed the kid now? I want to sink into my breath again. In consequence, I walk to the kitchen. I warm up yesterdays’ noodles for my son. He is grateful for a warm meal. I am grateful to return to my yoga video. I breathe in. I breathe out. Now my dog Sissi moans. She wants to go out to pee. I pause the video. I get up. I remind my daughter of her today’s duty to walk the dog. She screams at me. She doesn’t want to go out with the dog. She is the middle of a crafting project. I scream at her. Why does nobody let me practice yoga in peace? I get back to my mat. I remember one of my self-help book I read in the morning. How to heal your inner child. I remember to calm down my inner child. My inner child always tries to be perfect. My inner child always tries not to annoy anyone. I expect the same behavior from my children. I want them to read my mind. I want them to not annoy me. Internally I apologize to my daughter for this double blame game. I get back to my yoga practice. I breathe in until I start breathing out. I ease into backbends. Backbends are heart openers, says my yoga teacher in the video. I finish my practice in peace. Afterwards my daughter and I walk the dog together. The dog is happy. We are happy. On the street we meet a neighbor. She is watching a dog over the weekend. Eddy, the dog, has the same heart condition, that my husband Colin has. I want to adopt Eddy right away. Back home I video call Colin. Colin is in New York City. We are in Switzerland. He just returned to his friend’s house after practicing Aikido. I watch Colin taking out his contact lenses. Through the video, I see deep into his eyes through the…
